I just hate my freaking exam marks. HATE HATE HATE HATE. Why can't I accept the freaking truth that I suck? Maybe it's because I got 79 for Math. 79. Did you see that? One more freaking mark and I'll get an A. But I never had the guts to argue with teacher. Why is that? Can someone explain that to me? Then there's KH and BM with 78. At first I was ok with my KH marks cause I wasn't expecting an A already. But as I saw my paper and did the calculations, I found that I only had to get one question correct and then I'd get 80. And there were a few easier questions which I could have gotten right but didn't. Ugh. And KH was the first paper to be given back on Monday. Spoilt the damn day. But after that was Math which just completely PULVERIZED the day.
Do you see the freaking marks that I have? Why is this number 80 so near yet so far? Just because some idiot had to invent numbers and IT-because I'm not sure whether it's a SHE or HE- had to be so smart and put 78, 79, 80. Stupid asshole. I mean I'm not mad at IT because IT had to put the numbers like that. It's just that all my marks are soooooooooooooooooo close to 80 that I feel like I could kill myself [pls dun take that seriously]. And no offense to James but, adding one mark for James just made my life even more miserable. Initally, I got 77 for BM. I was fine with that until James announced that Pn. Zaiton gave everyone an extra mark. I got so pissed off I actually said "What the hell la James. You want me to cry again is it?" 78. Stupid number. So much closer to 80 yet still so far from an A.
Right now, I feel like everything is just not going right. I'm pissed every day because when I go home and see my parents, I feel dissapointed. Because I go for BM and Math tuition and I got B for both subjects. Do you see the picture forming here? My parents work hard to pay the bills, tuition fees, expenses and sometimes treats. Then I come home and tell them that I got Bs for both the subjects that I take tuition for. They may seem like "Oh, it's ok... Don't be sad. There's still trials..." or "Nevermind... At least this isn't PMR right?". But I'm sure inside they're mad and pissed off and they feel like killing me. I guess I can't blame them. The only one responsible for this is me. No one else.
Do I seem happy-go-lucky on the outside? I dunno. Maybe it's a mask I pout on when I go out so everyone won't know what's going on in my head. Maybe I'm gonna turn out to be a schizophrenic next time, who is like one person to the general public and then a totally different person at home or something. I think your impression of me now may be that I'm crazy. I don;t blame you. Seriously. I think I myself am crazy. But I hope it never happens. I don't wanna spend the rest of my life cooped up in a hospital like Mahyun and saying poems and whatever crap.
I sincerely hope I can change. Do well in trials and then get 7As for PMR. That's all I'm asking for. Nothing fancy. I'm perfectly fine with 80+ marks. Even 80 marks. I'm alright with that. Just don't put me in this situation again. I'm not asking for any fancy doctorate or anything. Yet. Lol. I'm saving that for later. Teehee. In a better mood now.